Thursday, February 10, 2011

I ran away yesterday.

Just for a little while, only a few hours.

Winter and sick kids are about to drive me batty. I feel cooped up, agitated, and on edge. I'm impatient with the kids, and maybe just a tiny bit resentful at times, as ugly as that sounds, but it's the truth. I blow a fuse and loose my cool more often than I'd like to admit. Getting snotty with a 2 1/2 year old because he won't eat or throws a toy just ain't pretty. I told Randy yesterday afternoon that I wanted to get away for a little while, that I needed a break. I'm sure that when he came home and saw Elliot's construction truck toy laying in the yard where I had chunked it confirmed that I needed some space. When a child starts screaming and throwing a toy because it won't do what he wants it to do, I get a little hot under the collar. So after a warning that it was going to go away if he threw it one more time, I followed through. Of course THROWING it out the door into the yard certainly wasn't model behaviour to show a toddler. It was inmature, and I realize that.

So when Randy came in the door after work, I went out the door. After doling out hugs and kisses to everyone of course. I got in my car, channeled my frustration with some appropriate music and drove. Living in the middle of nowhere means that it takes at least 45 minutes or so to get to anywhere that has anything. I headed to Warner Robins, the closest place with craft stores and an Olive Garden. After I unwound myself a bit, I changed the music to something more peaceful and sang along and thought about taking voice lessons just for the heck of it. And I thought about a lot of other more important things, too. I think time alone driving is about the best time ever to just think. It's quiet and you're on auto-pilot (if it's straight country roads that you know well and have very little traffic). The other best time to think is while taking a leisurely shower after the kids are in bed and your other half is on duty if they happen to wake up.

The sun was starting to go down as I drove, and I was treated to a gorgeous sky and sunset.
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I hit town at about 6:30 and headed to the bookstore first, because if I'm going to eat alone I have to have something to read.
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Hobby Lobby closes at 8 so I headed there first. I'm good until I walk into Hobby Lobby, and then all the organized thoughts of things I want to look at or projects I have in mind just seem to explode in my head. That place is overwhelming. So. much. stuff. It makes me feel a little panicky. I want to look at EVERYTHING. I didn't even make it through a third of the store before they started announcing that the store would be closing so I quickly tossed some vials of glitter into the cart with some other random things and headed to the front.
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Garden things. Makes me look even more forward to spring!
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Bright summer colors!


The fabric store next door closes at 9 and Olive Garden at 10 so I went fabric shopping next. That store is seriously lacking. One day I'm going to go to an amazing fabric store and swoon amongst the bolts. I managed to find a few things that I liked, but it's sort of disconcerting to be the only customer in the store. I felt like a criminal when I quickly shoved some bolts of fabric that I decided I didn't want back on the rack in totally the wrong spot. Do you ever feel dumb when the person cutting fabric asks you what you're making? I hate trying to give them an explanation. "Uhhh...a stuffed cupcake thing, you know, kinda like a little pillow with a little face, and..." She looked at me like I was a bit odd. Also this paragraph makes me sound like I actually sew regularly. In reality I've had my machine for around 9 years, and have made maybe 5 projects on it. The fabric I bought will likely still be unused 2 years from now. But it's still fun to shop for.
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Time to eat! I don't mind eating alone. But I feel really awkward if I don't have something to do while I wait on my food, so I brought my new book along. I ordered parmesan crusted tillapia and it was yummy. I almost ruined it though. I ordered a glass of wine. I've never ever ordered wine before. I've only had a sip or two of wine ever. But I thought, you know, that it would be sophisticated. Here's a mom out by herself, taking a break and eating a nice relaxing meal while reading a novel and sipping a glass of wine. Yeah right. I don't even know what I ordered. I told the guy what food I was planning on ordering and he suggested a wine, and I said yeah bring me that. It was nasty. And then I was embarrased because I didn't want to drink it, but I certainly didn't want to not drink it and leave a full glass of wine sitting on the table. So I choked about a 1/4 of the glass down. I even contemplated pouring some into my water glass so it would look like I had drank more. Just leave enough so it looks like I enjoyed it, but didn't want to have an entire glass since I was alone and had to drive home. But I would have died if someone saw me pouring it into my water glass so I didn't. The tiny bit I drank made my lips feel all buzzy and my cheeks hot, and I am most definitely not sophisticated. I shouldn't even try. I realize that now. And then with all that, I forgot to use my Olive Garden gift card that was in my purse. So sad. I did remember to order Randy something to bring home for his lunch today.
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It's a good thing Target closed at 10 or I would have spent some time there, too.

I did a lot more thinking on the way home. Do you see on my little About Me thing where my bio ends up with happy? That's not all that true. At least not for the past half a year or more. Sure I'm happy, but in small bursts and moments, not overall. Yes, there's a little post partum depression thrown in there and I briefly took some meds and they seemed to help get past a bit of ugly. But that's not all it is. My unhappiness does not lie with my husband or my children. They are my sunshine and my diamonds and my sprinkles and all things bright, cheerful, and joyful. My unhappiness lies solely within myself. Things have to change. I've got a heck of a lot of new leaves to turn over.

I was glad to be back home. Back to a quiet house, a neat kitchen with the dishwasher running and clean bottles in the dish drain, children that had been asleep for hours, and a sweet husband that still smelled like soap and shampoo from his shower. I'm much more chilled out today. Randy sent a text from work thanking me for his yummy lunch. And he lectured me about the wine earlier today.

2 comments:

  1. i need to sneak away and take myself on a date soon. you hit up all the spots i believe i'd find myself in. craft store, bookstore, TARGET!... and well, i am not much for italian food, but i can admire a girl who will spoil herself with food from a fancy place like olive garden! haha <3

    ps- and this probably shouldnt be the ps, i hope you start feeling happy more regularly. that is something i have been struggling a lot with lately too. its tough when you only feel good 20% of the time, and the other 80% of the time yourself drowning in the negative. that's why i've started to blog more frequently, and i think it's helping... to pull out the good in each day, to make myself do things and complete projects so i can physically see and record the little changes and progress i've made. to see the happiness on my kids faces even though NOTHING is going my way. sending love and hugs xoxo

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  2. Hi! I hardly ever check blog posts (as you can see by my own) but I just happened to click over. I worry that you think you're not normal. You totally are. Oh my gosh - I have so many moments as a young mom that I really regret (ask Morgan about her stuffed cat "Fluffy" sometime).

    Anyways, I just want you to know that I think you're awesome and I admire you a lot. If you ever want some last minute company at Olive Garden or Starbucks or something, let me know. It can just be us. We could even catch a movie sometime! :)

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